fucking stupid cowboys

i'm trying to understand this all. there's so many parts to this mess that seemed so unreasonable at the time and even now with the answers, i can't quite grasp the circumstances. i'm throwing my feminity out the window along with that bitter broken heart and opening the doors for that character i've constantly read about. i'm cleansing my body of all the sinister thoughts towards all the legitmate reasoning you've given me.
i'm saying all of this, and acting on it, but not necessarily thinking it. unlike you, i can't repress memories out of my mind. i'll always remember the long list of movies we watched together. i'll remember your spider-like fingers intertwining with mine, and i'll remember your taste. i'll remember how you breathed while we kissed. i'll remember how i would shiver when your hand trailed up my back, and the complete vulnerability i gave to you during that intimacy.
that closeness we shared is going to be everlasting and i don't even know how to progress anymore. that girl doesn't want to let go and move on, she doesn't want to create this new fucking friendship or whatever this new morbid relationship will be. selfish, i know, because all i want is for you to myself. at least i'm admitting it in this confession.